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Stargazer Claudia Gray - Read online

Claudia Gray

In a word: lame.

I've been on a roll with crap YA lately, so feel free to take my gripes with a grain of salt. But guys...THIS BOOK IS LAME. I was (reluctantly) determined to give Stargazer a chance -- not because I was wow'd by Book 1, but there was just enough that piqued my interest in how future books would unfold, despite the massive quantity of dumbness in Bianca & Lucas's story.

That dumbness was not improved.
Rather, the dumbness was planted in a sunny location, watered daily, sprinkled with fertilizer pellets, & serenaded with Mozart.




...MICROSCOPIC SPORES OF MASS STUPIDITY!


(Spoilers ahead. Natch.)


Aside from Vic & Ranulf, everyone in this book was functioning at the height of ineptitude. I can't even count how many times Bianca had the opportunity to ditch Dipshit Gary Stu Lucas -- nevermind for her safety, but for the safety of those she supposedly cared about -- but did she do it? NO. What a selfish bint. I realize that the repeated references to Shakespeare were attempting to parallel Lucas & Bianca with Romeo & Juliet...but guess what? Not even Juliet was dumb enough for this:

BIANCA: Woe is me, I miss my precious Lucas! But how can we possibly meet, since he's a vampire hunter & I'm a vampire?
BALTHAZAR: I've got a Cunning Plan(TM). See, you can pretend to be my girlfriend because I'm responsible & nice & handsome, so I'll take you off school grounds & we can fake going on dates & kissing & stuff. I'm doing this because I want you & would make a suitable mate & I've tried to kill that dipshit Lucas before, but you're still in insta-lust mooncalf lurve & I hate seeing you in pain. Somehow I've convinced myself this is a win/win scenario.
BIANCA: Woohoo! Are you sure my precious Lucas won't mind?
BALTHAZAR: He'll understand because I'm bringing you to cop a feel.
BIANCA: Your Cunning Plan(TM) is awesome. My precious Lucas will be totally okay with this. We're in love. And he's got such beautiful hair.
SARAH: *headdesk*


Then there was this dumbness about Bianca's childhood:

BIANCA'S PARENTS: Yeah, so we've not told you the truth about everything that ever was.
BIANCA: Like what?
BIANCA'S PARENTS: We told you nice stories about drinking blood in order to make sure you're eager to become a vampire & avoid an unpleasant, painful fate as a wraith, because we love you & want you to be as happy as possible with your vampiric heritage.
BIANCA: Piss off, Mom & Dad. My precious Lucas was right. Vampires are evil because you made us sound like non-violent pacifists! You don't love me at all!
BIANCA'S PARENTS: Stop being such a whinger, honey. Let's talk this out like reasonable adults.
BIANCA: Shut up. I'm running away with the vampire-hunting boy I've known for, like, a year. Off & on. Occasionally. But we're totally in love, so get over it. And by the way, I'm never speaking to you again. My precious Lucas & his beautiful hair will protect me.
SARAH: *headdesk headdesk*


And then there was this dumbness about Balthazar's sister:

RANDOM BLONDE VAMPIRE: I r dangerous.
BIANCA: No, you're not. You just need a hug.
RANDOM BLONDE VAMPIRE: Whatever. Listen as I make mysterious, vaguely menacing comments about stuff.
BIANCA: Have you seen my precious Lucas?
DIPSHIT LUCAS: I am so fucking good at killing vampires!
RANDOM BLONDE VAMPIRE: *pushes him over*
DIPSHIT LUCAS: Black Cross will get your ass, bitch! We're so fucking good at killing vampires!
RANDOM BLONDE VAMPIRE: Blah blah blah, menacing semi-insane conversation. Whut?
BIANCA: My precious Lucas, stop trying to kill this poor scraggly blonde vampire.
DIPSHIT LUCAS: But I'm Black Cross. Hunting, tracking, & killing vampires is in my blood. Grrr, growl, hiss. Did you see I'm carrying a meat cleaver under my coat? I'm a total badass.
RANDOM BLONDE VAMPIRE: *escapes repeatedly*
BALTHAZAR: ...Have you seen my sister? She's blonde & random & spouts vaguely menacing things because she hates me right now.
BIANCA: See, my precious Lucas? Aren't you glad you didn't kill that poor scraggly vampire?
DIPSHIT LUCAS: Whatever. Let's go stargazing so I can touch your boob.
BIANCA: Your beautiful hair is so romantic.
BALTHAZAR: So...yeah. I'll go to the movies alone. But tell my sister I'm looking for her, plz?
RANDOM BLONDE VAMPIRE: I hate you. Go away. Respect my vaguely menacing conversations, dammit.
SARAH: *headdesk headdesk headdesk*


...And, finally, there was this dumbness, which would drive Blade to tears of agony:

DIPSHIT LUCAS: How on earth will we possibly find that random blond vampire? It's like she's disappeared off the face of the earth! Not even Black Cross, the baddest of badasses, can track her down, let alone defeat her scraggly blonde self.
BIANCA: Have you looked in the hospital?
DIPSHIT LUCAS: Huh?
BIANCA: Hospitals have bloodbanks. And I, being a vampire, can assure you that we need blood.
DIPSHIT LUCAS: You're so smart, Bianca. I'm in love with a genius! Why hasn't Black Cross, which has been hunting vampires for hundreds of years, ever thought to check hospital blood banks? It's not like we didn't know your kind needs blood all the time. For some reason we've inexplicably ignored this uber-obvious source. I love you for setting me on the easiest path to this homicide.
BIANCA: You're so romantic, my precious Lucas. I'm not a genius -- I'm just really intuitive. And your hair is beautiful.
DIPSHIT LUCAS: La la la, that's cool. Let me just kill this random vampire & we'll go make out again.
RANDOM BLONDE VAMPIRE: Zounds! You have interrupted my snack, & now I will punish you with menacing conversations.
BLACK CROSS BADASSES: Careful, Lucas! Your ultimate badass crew is en route to asskickery! Watch as we attack random vampires with super-soakers & meat cleavers, booo-yaah! Fear us!
RANDOM BLONDE VAMPIRE: *escapes*
BLACK CROSS BADASSES: Oh, snap. We've been hunting this one for months. Too bad we missed our chance. Again.
SARAH: *headdesk headdesk headdesk nosebleed headdesk*

Be still, my heart! *swoon* The insta-lust between Bianca & Dipshit Lucas sets my romantic sensibility fluttering with anticipation of further episodes. And why not? It's a staggering adventure of angst-riddled, nonsensical wuv & the most inept, utterly non-badass group of vampire hunters that ever existed, now made complete with the introduction of wraiths & soul-writhing emotional torment surpassed only by The Bard himself. Which brings us to the ultimate question: Am I brave enough to continue this saga?




...Hell no, rather.

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